Category / Stories

Translucent Jeff aka Pop Goes The Jeff 7 January, 2013 at 12:00 pm

Jeff needed to get on television. That was the sure fire way to get noticed, thought about. Even if just for a moment.

Sure there had been a lot of people on tele that had been forgotten about completely and vanished, but it was rare. It could never happen to someone on air though. The simple act of being broadcast to thousands of homes was enough to make the most translucent person as solid as a rock, because it was almost impossible for them not to be noticed and thought about, even if only for the brief time they’re on air. Not to mention the crew, presenters and audience, they all think about everyone on the stage, perhaps not after they left, but at least while the people are on stage.

But here he was, walking down the high street with people looking right through him. Occasionally someone would notice him and he’d throb a little bit brighter, but it wouldn’t last long, it never lasted long.

He knew someone who had vanished, Clive. Poor Clive. Poor nondescript Clive. He’d met him the day before he went and he was almost non-existent. The guy was an orphan, and wasn’t very good at making friends, that was something they had in common. But after he left the orphan house where everyone is surrounded by other people and keepers, it wasn’t long before the people who had grown up with him, or worked at the orphanage, started to forget about him, and why shouldn’t they? There were hundreds of kids that passed through that place, and sure, there were some stand out cases, but most just go in and out, then forgotten. After leaving, Clive managed to get a job without too much hassle, but he wasn’t the most noticeable of people. Soon the only people that remembered him were his boss and Jeff.

He felt a little guilty, but he couldn’t remember him every minute of every day. When Clive vanished he almost felt happy for him. He never had to worry about getting noticed again. But it just made his job harder, now there was one less person that remembered him, and he was slowly slipping from view.

Half way across the country a car crashed and Jeff’s parents died instantly.

There was a pop as the air rushed in to fill the emptiness that was left where Jeff had been standing.


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 13 19 December, 2011 at 12:00 pm

After a few seconds had passed Lukasz began to suspect he hadn’t died. He opened his eyes to look at the Sargent. Instead of standing, the Sargent was lying face down. That is, if it can still be called face down when there is no face, or head at all.

The only person standing in front of them was the old farmer.

“Three dead Nazis. Not a bad days work.”

Lukasz suddenly has the twins in his arms for the first time since they left the farm.

Clara was standing, arms out reached, with pistol aimed at the old farmer.

“He’s not a Nazi! He’s my husband!”

The farmer gave a confused look to Lukasz who could only glance to where Victor lay.

“He’s a good man, and he saved our lives!” continued Clara.

Her hands shook and her face was rippling with the raw emotion that can only come from seeing your husband shot in front of you.


The voice was spoken with considerable effort. Clara dropped the gun and rushed over to Victor. On her knees in front of him she stroked his cheek, tears streaming down her own. Victor was still alive, but not by much.

“My sons,” Clara hadn’t noticed Lukasz draw up next to her “they’re beautiful. Take care of them all for me Lukasz, they are the only good thing I’ve ever done. My dear, I hope you can forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive you for.” said Clara as she held onto him with all her might.

The not whistling pilot looked over at the old farmer.

“Nazi?” he mouthed.

The farmer just shrugged, thoroughly confused.

They left Clara to say goodbye to Victor, after the last breath left him they dragged her to the phone.

Starica was waiting by the plane as they dragged a sobbing Clara over, it was only then that Lukasz wondered why the couple were there. He vocalised his query.

“The Nazis came in just after you left and claimed my farm. I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go, so wanted to ask if you had any spaces on your plane.”

They were soon on the plane and airborne, the whistling pilot was whistling once more and Starica and Clara each with a child each. Lukasz looked at Clara and smiled. She met his eyes and managed a weak smile.

It was the first time he’d seen her smile.


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 11 & 12 12 December, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Emerging from the woods, both still unsteady on their feet, they found themselves in a school with a maze of buildings. Picking their way through they eventually found the main school field.

Clara managed something between a laugh and a sob, and even Lukasz’ heart lifted as they saw the plane.

“We made it.”

They made their way over at twice their normal speed, almost at walking pace.

“Lukasz, can you fly?”

“I thought I could when I got my first job, but I couldn’t so much as jump.”

“… can you fly a plane?”

“Of course not, I’m an accountant.”

“And a smuggler.” Added Clara.

“Not a pilot.”

“And not a driver judging by your last display. A little piece of me is glad you won’t be flying. But do we know who is?”

“Jack. He’ll be around here somewhere.”

They set off back to the mass of buildings and began searching.

“Over here.” Said Clara.

“You found him?”

“Just listen will you.”

Lukasz could hear it. They walked to the hut where the whistling was coming from.


The voice came from behind them.

As Lukasz spun, the sight of a gun aimed at him took his focus, including the focus required to keep him standing on unsteady legs and he fell backwards. Arms flailing he dragged down Clara as well to join him in an inelegant fall with babies still in her arms, leaving them sitting on the floor outside the door of the whistling building.

The twins started crying again, probably as much due to the lack of elegance as the bump of them all falling down.

“Don’t move a muscle. You are both under arrest.”

Standing in front of them was a boy, 18 at most, in a German uniform and holding a rifle which was pointing at them most of the time when the boys shaking hands allowed it to be roughly aligned with his target.

“It’s okay kid,” said Lukasz “we aren’t exactly running anywhere. What’s your name?”

“What would your mother think if she knew this was what you were doing?!” Clara was trying a different tact.

“I saw what you did to private Holk!” his aim refocused as his eyes filled with anger and terror “I should kill you right here you monsters!”

“But you’re not going to. You’re going to lower the weapon.”

The boy turned his head to the unknown speaker but kept his gun on Lukasz.

“Sir? What are you doing?”

What ‘sir’ was doing was pointing a gun at the boy. Slowly he stepped round the corner in view of Lukasz and Clara.

“Honey?!” said Clara.

“Victor?!” said Lukasz.

“Dad?!” said the twins, or at least they would have if they were a few years older.

“I thought you were dead?” said Clara.

“Why are you wearing a Nazi uniform?” Asked Lukasz. Neither showing appreciation to how a conversation should go.

“I’m sorry. It’s my guilty secret. When I was younger, before I met you my dear, I was recruited to be a spy. I was promised glamour, excitement and importance. I was through living in Lukasz’ shadow, so I’m ashamed to say I accepted, but no more.”

“Living in my shadow??” Lukasz was shocked “You were always the popular one, the sporty one, the one everyone liked.”

“And you were always the smart one that cruised through everything superior to everyone.”

“Look,” interrupted Clara “as much as I’ve got a hell of a lot I want to say, you’re pointing a gun at a kid who’s pointing a gun at us. Priorities would be good!”

“I’m sure I can help resolve the situation.” came an unknown voice, as an unknown gun crept into view pointing at Victor.

“Oh for goodness sake. I’m getting thoroughly fed up with all of this.” said Clara.

“Eep!” said Lukasz.

“Hello Sargent.” said Victor.

“Hello sir.” said the Sargent.

“How long have you known?”

“I’ve had my suspicions, it was just a case of keeping an eye on you until I had something solid.”

“If it wasn’t me you were aiming at I’d be impressed.”

“Would it help if I aimed at your family instead?”


The door behind Lukasz swung open and there stood the whistling pilot. The last notes dying on his lips.

The boy was taken by surprise and pulled the trigger.

There were 3 gunshots.

Despite being the only target no one wanted to hit, the wall took the first shot. Chips of wood flying over Lukasz and Clara.

The second shot hit the boy who immediately fell. It was Victor who fell with him.

Clara let out a brief scream as she watched her husband fall and Lukasz just sat dumbfounded.

“Well, that got rid of two annoyances. That boy was never that useful, unless of course you wanted someone to shoot walls,” the Sargent laughed at his own joke “but now I can get rid of some more little problems. Goodbye.”

The Sargent raised his gun at the huddled people on the floor, they clung onto each other and there was a loud bang.

Chapter 12

“Is this heaven?”

“Really Sargent?”


“Does that look like God?”

“Ah. This would be hell then.”


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 9 & 10 5 December, 2011 at 12:00 pm

“Come on Clara! We’ve got to get to the plane.”

“You try walking when you’ve just given birth!”

“Here, let me take one of them.”

“No! I’m fine.”

“Then if you’re fine, stop whining.”

They both hobbled on at speed. A meandering cow overtook them.

“It would have been quicker to drive around the forest you know.”

“Not when the roads are crawling with Germans!”

They walked on in silence for a while longer. Lukasz was easily outpacing Clara.

“Quiet!” Whispered Lukasz crouching low behind a tree. “I said quiet! Not sing a flaming nursery rhyme!”

“You try keeping these two quiet then.”

“If you give them here I will!”

Lukasz peeked round the tree and spotted a soldier walking into the woods, leaving his motorbike unattended on the main road. Pressing tight against the tree all he could hear was the foot steps and his heart thumping through his entire body. He didn’t even realised he scrunched up his eyes.

The foot steps were getting louder and louder and then stopped.

Slowly he opened his eyes.

Right in front of him was a German officer who promptly unzipped his flies and urinated against the next tree.

In a move that could cause hatred of all children, one of the twins started crying. Not bawling admittedly, but louder than suitable for the social setting.

“Hello? Is anyone there?”

Thankfully he wasn’t pacing towards the noise and his hands were still occupied.

Moving slowly was usual for Lukasz, but now he was moving carefully and silently over the one meter between him and the soldiers back. Slowly he gripped the pistol in the soldiers holster but the soldier spun, midstream.

Lukasz managed to clear the holster, but as he did, the gun let off a shot before Lukasz went down from the elbow to the jaw.

It was the first time Lukasz had been hit, he managed to stay out of fights all his life, so this blow left his head spinning and was all a bit of a blur. The next thing he was aware of was Clara yelling him to get up and not laze around like a drunkard.

Slowly he became more aware of his surroundings and the awful din created by the twins duet.

He saw the soldier in anguish and immediately attributed it to the noise of the babies, but then allowed himself a slight smile as he noticed it was actually due to a gunshot wound to the leg.

Pulling himself up Lukasz waddled after Clara and across the road. What he didn’t notice was the soldier pulling himself along to give chase.

Lukasz was nearly across the road when a hand grasped his ankle and tripped him into the verge. Behind him was the soldier smirking at him whilst holding an iron grip on Lukasz ankle. Feet flayed as he tried to rip himself free. The soldier managed to retrieve a knife from his hip, a kick managed to connect which left the soldier with a bloody nose and Lukasz with a bloody boot. The soldier responded with a snarl and tried to stab Lukasz ankle.

There was a gun shot.

The soldier howling in pain as another wound appeared in his other leg. He was suddenly less interested in cutting at Lukasz, allowing him to scurry out of his grip and into relative safety.

Clara was standing above the man she shot, and kicked him for good measure before walking off to kick Lukasz for good measure.

Chapter 10

“Any Leads Sargent?”

“Nothing as yet. I’ve got my men combing the area, but they haven’t found anything so far.”

“Very well, I’ll hit the road myself then. An extra pair of eyes and all that. I trust you’ll be able to manage here without me?”

“Of course sir. Will you be covering any particular area?”

“Just following my nose if that’s all right with you Sargent.”

“As you wish.”


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 7 & 8 28 November, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Lukasz rang the bell. Back in the car was Clara, looking at him and waiting.

There was no movement from within the house. His hand moved over the doorbell to ring again and hovered for a second before thinking better of the idea and dropped down. The door cracked open, tugging on the chain and a piercing eye peeped through the gap.

“What do you want?”

“Hi, um, would you… can we…” Lukasz had never stumbled this much since school, “… in the car.” he continued, “She’s having a baby!”

The door slammed closed.

Lukasz went pale, all life and all hope seemed to drain from him.

His hands had been twiddling in front of him, but now they fell limply to his side.

He wanted to go back to the car, but he didn’t want to see the disappointment on her face.

The door opened.

The old man stood in the doorway with an old woman standing behind him.

“Well don’t just stand there gawping, bring her in!”

Lukasz tried to help Clara into the house, and the old man managed to help Clara into the house.

Soon Clara was in the house and was being well looked after by the old lady.

After 10 minutes of pacing, Lukasz spoke up.

“Is it nearly done?”

The old woman, named Starica, gave him an odd look.

“Is what nearly done?”

Lukasz suspected Starica meant “old woman” in some language.

“Ignore him, he’s an idiot.”

“Clara!” exclaimed Starica, “Enough of the negativity! Your baby should be brought into the world surrounded by positivity”.

“And kind rational intelligent thoughts?”


“Best keep Lukasz out of here then.”

“Nonsense! Your husband should be a part of this. Lukasz, why don’t you sit in the chair next to her and hold her hand.”

Lukasz saw Clara was about to object to their alleged marriage, presumably in an attempt to preserve her dignity, but Lukasz got there first, took her hand sat down next to her,

“Of course. I’m here for you my dear.”

He looked deep in her eyes, and their eyes had their own private conversation.

His said: “It’s fine how it is, no need to tell them.”

Hers said: “I hope you realise how dead you are.”

It was a message her grip on his hand was re-enforcing.

Starica was urging Clara to regulate her breathing. Deep slow breaths. Lukasz found it quite relaxing and drifted of to sleep. Clara didn’t.

He awoke to screams. It took a few seconds for him to realise they were his. Clara had found his hand again and was in some discomfort, thus Lukasz hand was in some discomfort. Starica was at the end of the bed trying to deliver the baby, Sweat was running down Claras’ brow and she looked at Lukasz with disdain as.

“Why don’t you give her a hand dear?”

She said ‘dear’ in the same way someone would say ‘I hate you and want you to suffer’.

His mind said, ‘No!’ his mouth said, “Yes…”. His mind regretted giving his mouth freedom of speech.

It was a noisy birth. The only thing that got through to him about the miracle of life in those moments were how graceless it all was.

“Lukasz,” said Starica, “take this one and clean him up, there’s another one on the way.”

He just gawped at the child which was suddenly thrust into his arms.

He didn’t realise how tiny a baby could be. He gently tried to clean Victor Jr as he suddenly dubbed the kid in his mind. Afraid to be too rough in case he hurt the fragile creature. Still screaming like a banshee in practice, Lukasz stroked Victor Jr’s cheek, something paternal inside him told him it might sooth. A small hand clawed at his and locked round of his fingers and squeezed.

Suddenly Lukasz was 5 again, standing outside a new school with the whole playground full of kids who all wanted to poke fun at him. He squeezed his mothers hand and everything was just a little bit less scary.

It was the first time he’d thought about his mother for years. Victor often talked of her, but he always just ignored it and refused to dwell on the past. It was too painful.

A fresh source of screaming broke his reverie.

Starica cleaned up the second child and gave it to Clara. She then took Victor Jr from Lukasz and finished cleaning him.

“You can be more rough with them, they aren’t as fragile as they look.”

Clara then took the other child, one in each arm. She looked like she had just battled through the entire German army. A mess, but beaming.

“C’mon my dear, let me take the boys for a while, you need some rest”.

Clara was reluctant, but was soon asleep from exhaustion.

Lukasz went into the living room and sat by the fire with the old man. It was the first he’d seen of him since he opened the door to them. Starica was sitting in the corner looking after the twins. If he called one of them Victor Jr, does that make the other Lukasz Jr? He shuddered at the thought. He couldn’t wish that upon anyone.

“So what are you actually doing in this area?” asked the old man.

“Just passing through”

“There isn’t many places to pass through to”

“We’re just leaving town for a while is all”

“An strange time to leave town” he said looking at the newborns.

Lukasz sighed. “Yes, these are strange times”

Nobody had anything to say to that and silence took hold.

The only noise in the room was the gentle nursery rhymes from Starica, and random popping of the fire. They sat for an hour, nothing changing. Both men starred into the fire, lost in their thoughts, lost in contemplation. The only warmth in the room was coming from Starica.

The old man spoke.

“She always wanted kids,” Lukasz looked up at the old man who was starring at Starica “It was me that always said no.” He looked back to the fire and seemed to be lost in it, “You are truly blessed my boy.”

The man drifted back into himself and silence descended between them for a while longer.

“I didn’t plan any of this you know.” Lukasz didn’t know why he was talking but it seemed to be the thing to do, “All I wanted was to make my way, to be successful, then it all comes crashing down with only myself to blame. Instead of a comfy life, I have lost my brother and have to look after a strong brave woman and the next generation of my family. I should be living the life, not running through the dirt dragging vulnerable people behind me. Trying to get out of here before the Nazis catch on.”

He felt tears forming, looking into the fire he could see his mother. He could remember going inside with a grazed knee and she would make everything all right again. That was the last time he had cried. He went to the window to share them with the world instead of the people around him.

The quiet road outside wasn’t as quiet as he would have liked. A Nazi car was stopped at the end of the drive with another Nazi on a bike talking through the car window.

“OK, that will do. Sorry, we got to go. You don’t happen to know how far the school is do you?” said Lukasz

“About two miles as the crow flys. Why?”

He marched, or more accurately hobbled to Clara, waking her up with a bemused Starica behind him.

“We’ve got to go. Now.”

“What? Oh, it’s you. How long was I asleep?”

“About an hour, now get up, we’ve got to go.”

“I don’t think she’s quite ready to move yet dear.”

“Do you have a back door?”

“It’s through there. Just head that way, straight through the woods, you can’t miss it.” The old man seemed to be the only one not confused by Lukasz hasty actions.

Lukasz clasped the old man’s hand and looked straight into his eyes, “Thank you. Thank you both.”

Clara took her two sons from Starica, thanked them both and followed Lukasz out the back door.

The old man stood at the door and looked out after them.

“Godspeed and good luck” he said under his breath.

Starica remained confused, but it only took one word for her to understand.

Chapter 8

“Any progress yet Sargent?”

“Not yet, do you know how far to the Atran School?”

“About two miles as the crow flies, but the roads wind round a lot further.”

“Ok, we’ll focus the searches in this area then, they can’t be far”


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 5 & 6 21 November, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Night had fallen, and the only sounds inside the car were the spluttering of the engine, and the sobbing from Clara.

“No matter how much you cry, it won’t bring him back.” He was trying to console her, but all he got was a punch on the arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Saying stupid things.”

He tried to punch her on the arm in return, but punching sideways whilst trying to pay attention to a dark road isn’t always the most successful. He missed her arm narrowly and the result was more painful for Clara than he intended. It was also more painful for Lukasz when slaps started raining down on him.

“Ow! Sorry! Stop it! I’m trying to drive here!”

She stopped and went back to her sobbing. He wasn’t sure if he preferred her violent or crying.

“Have you quite finished?” he asked.

She delivered a sharp jab to his arm before confirming she’d finished.

Now he was sure he preferred it when she was crying.

She was still sobbing when he saw a road block up ahead with about 5 soldiers standing around.

“Hold on tight, I’m going to crash this road block!”

A soldier stepped in the road.

“Halt please!”

The car slowed to a halt. Clara looked at him with pure disdain.

“What happened to crashing it?”

“I didn’t expect him to say please?”

“Of course, you can’t hit anyone who’s being polite.”

“It would have been rude.”

The soldier stood next to the window putting an end to their exchange over the issue of the soldier being saved by manners.

“Papers please.”

“I think I left them at home.”

The guard lent down and shone a torch inside the car.

“Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was you.” He gestured to another soldier who lifted the barrier. They all saluted as a very confused Lukasz drove through.

The sobbing had stopped, this time due to confusion rather than violence. Lukasz decided he liked her best when she was confused.

“Friends of yours?”

“Not that I know of. Did any of them look like a Mr Johanson?”

“I don’t think so, would it explain it if one of them did?”

“I’ve just saved Mr Johanson 20,000 on his taxes, that’s about the closest I have to a friend I can think of.”

“I don’t think any of those looked like they have 20,000 to save.”

“You’re probably right.”

They drove in silence for a mile.


He looked at her and her entire expression had changed, there was a concern in her eyes, “Yes?”

“I’m having a baby.”

He looked at her, looked down at her bump, and back up to her face.

“Erm, I know. Victor told me some time ago, and the bump was a clue.”

“No you idiot, I mean I’m having a baby. Now. It’s coming.”


He slammed on the brakes. Clara jerked forward, hit the dashboard and then fell back to her seat holding her head.

It was Clara who recovered first, Lukasz was still starring straight ahead with white knuckles.

“I think it’s a bit too soon for the anaesthetic, but thanks for the thought. For now, if you stop being an incompetent twerp and find somewhere I can have this badly timed baby, then that would be sufficient.”

Lukasz was still just starring ahead, so Clara seized the opportunity and the excuse and punched him on the arm again.

“Now would be better than later!”

After a few odd noises and mouth gaping in a poor impression of a goldfish, Lukasz found the ability to string words together.

“Okay, lets get this straight, we’ve got Nazis behind us, a plane somewhere ahead of us, and you want to stop somewhere to sit down, have a rest and pop out a kid? Can’t you wait till we’re on the plane? Ow! Stop hitting me!”

“You think we just ‘pop it out’ whenever we feel like it?”

“Well I don’t know how you people work!”

“You people? I would give you the benefit of the doubt, but every interpretation gives me justification to hit you for being an obnoxious twerp! Now drive and find somewhere!”

Now his brain was in gear, he managed to put the car in gear as well, and drove on muttering. It wasn’t long before Clara spotted a farmhouse and asked Lukasz to drive up to it.

She asked in the same way an executioner may ask for the condemned head to fall off. With a very swift blow.

Chapter 6

“Any progress Sargent?”

“Some. We’ve been trying to track down this ‘Lukasz’ character, but he’s vanished.”

“Do we know where he’s gone?”

“The only lead we have is the location the driver gave us.”

“So you’ve sent an alert to all check points between here and there?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Then we’ve done all we can. Good work.”

“Actually, I’m going to go there with my squad. If we’re right and this guy has been organising everything, then he’s worth stopping.”

“Very good Sargent. I trust you won’t object if I come along? I’d like to see this case through to its end.”

“…Of course sir.”


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 3 & 4 14 November, 2011 at 12:00 pm

He was sitting at his heavy oak desk leafing through pages of figures when there was a knock on the door and his secretary entered.

“Your body double is here to see you sir.”

“My body double?”

“Yes sir. It surprised me. I knew you were an important man, but I didn’t think accountancy was dangerous enough to warrant such security precautions.”

He sighed, closed the ledger he was working on and looked at his secretary.

“Can you show my brother in please?”

After looking like a primary school child trying to understand advanced physics, the realisation dawned on her. It then took a patronising gesture before she actually did as she was told and showed in his visitors.

Victor walked in.

“What’s wrong Victor?”

From behind him appeared a girl and Victor shut the door behind them.

“Why are you both here? I thought I said we’d meet at Freedom Square?”

“We didn’t want to risk the name being ironic.”


“Just kidding, we were ready early so we thought we’d go down with you.”

Lukasz got up with a sigh and walked unsteadily with his ledger to the bookcase.

“But that wasn’t the plan. Everything should be as arranged, deviations introduce additional risks, everything is planned to minimise the dangers at every possible stage.”

“Sorry,” Victor paused. “do you want us to go?”

“No, no, you’re here now, sit down while I finish off.”

Victor put his hand on the small of Clara’s back and led her to one of the chairs at the desk.

“There, take a seat dear, you ok?”

“Yes thank you, I think crossing an office will be one of the easier parts of the journey.”

“look,” said Lukasz, “if you want to bail out, now’s the time to do it. You won’t get the chance again.”

“We can’t risk staying, this is probably our last chance to get out. And having the baby here could draw too much attention.”

Lukasz gave his brother a hard look, glanced at Clara, then just said, “Fine.”

Moving papers and books around his office, he continued, “I’ve just got to finish off a few things then we can head off.”

Victor and his wife mumbled their accord.

Lukasz picked up a heavy book and wedged it under his arm so he could leave one hand free to support himself on the table.

“Do you want me to help?” offered his brother.

“It’s fine, I can manage” said Lukasz before promptly proving the statement correct, but not convincingly so.

His Journey back to the desk seemed more convincing with less wobbling but still some teetering.

The guests stared at him but politely looked away when he glanced over. Victor strolled around the room idly browsing the shelves. Clara sat playing with a paper-clip from the desk.

“Would you mind just sitting still and keeping your hands to yourselves?”

It wasn’t long before Lukasz ushered them out of the office and locked it behind them.

“Lukasz!” came a stern voice from the biggest office in the building.

“Sir?” He gave his brother an accusing glare.

“That’s the last time you bring friends to your office isn’t it.”

It wasn’t a question.

“Yes sir.”

They made their way through the street as briskly as they could manage without looking suspicious. Victor looked at his two companions and let out a slow “Oh.”, as he realised how it does indeed draw attention when a heavily pregnant woman is struggling to walk next to a gentleman who is also struggling to walk and relying heavily on his cane.

They approached the meeting point, and as they rounded the final corner they were expecting to see a van and a family of Jews.

And they did.

It was the other things they saw that they didn’t like.

The van was swarming with armed soldiers in military uniform, the family were all standing against the outside of the van, with Lukazs’ driver standing handcuffed with the Nazis.

“Quick! Get back!” Victor benefited from being the only one with full mobility and was desperate for his family to join him hidden around the corner they had just came from.

Clara and Lukasz just froze as the machine guns opened up and the family and the van became riddled with holes. The van was the only one that stayed up.

They managed to find movement as a soldier was approaching them advising that would be precisely the wrong reaction.

As they got round the corner, Victor caught his brothers shoulder, put something in his hand and looking straight into his eyes said,

“Take this car and get my wife out of here.”

“No! You’re coming with us!”

“Someone needs to slow those guys down, and you’re the smuggler, the best one to get my wife to safety, now go!”

Victor walked out and looked back at his wife, “I love you” and walked towards the Nazis with his hands raised.

As Lukasz led Clara away, they heard a gun shot.

Chapter 4

“What’s your report Sargent?”

“Aside from the family and the driver, we also had a runner. Came out of nowhere and then ran. He wouldn’t stop so one of the privates shot him.”

“Do we know who he was?”

“No, we’re trying to find some clue now, but he doesn’t have any papers on him.”

“Find out, he could be the organiser of these smugglings. Where did the tip come from?”

“Someone who knew the family, apparently they were saying too many goodbyes.”

“Do we know where they were heading?”

“Roughly. The driver said a man named “Lukasz” was going to give the exact details when he leaves, but somewhere towards Geneva he thinks. But he’s a bit of a mess. Hanzou! Bring that man over here!”

“I’m just a taxi driver, I haven’t done anything wrong! I didn’t know they were Jews I just met with a guy named Lukasz on Tuesday night and he told me to wait here… That’s him! That’s the man that arranged it!”

“Shoot him, he’s obviously a sympathiser and has no more information. Sir you’re lucky you were with us Tuesday, otherwise his inane ramblings may have started an investigation.


Smuggle Trouble – Chapter 1 & 2 7 November, 2011 at 12:00 pm

There was a knock at the door.

Before he could ask who it was, it slowly creaked open, a head appeared, whispered “Lukasz?” and entered, followed by the rest of the body.

The newcomer looked almost identical to Lukasz. But that’s not a raciest observation that infers all people from that part of the world look alike, these two men were more alike then most in features, but they both struck totally different impressions.

“What’s happened Victor?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know I don’t like it when you intrude when I’m dressing, so you wouldn’t do it unless something major happened.”

“Ah Lukasz, the brains of the family!”

“Not really, it’s just a case of remembering to think”

Doing up his top button he snapped down his collar, his eyes locked on Victor

“But there is something up isn’t there?” Lukasz continued “you came in here to talk, so over to you”

“I’m worried about my wife”

“Do you think there’s cause to worry? Or is there something else?”

“If there isn’t cause to worry, then why are you putting so much effort into getting other families out?”

“I told you not to talk about that in the house”

He pulled on his trousers and slowly clipped on his braces giving his brother a stern look.

“What I don’t understand is why you haven’t offered to get them out before the net closes”

“You two are just married, and you expect me to try to send her away?”

“You’d rather see her taken? You’ve heard the stories as well as I have, is that really what you want to happen?”

Lukasz knew the stories well, infact, he started most of them. It was good for business, and always entertaining how much they get embellished on the trip round the town. But now it looks like he’s paying for it. Like a two dollar whore knocking on his door with a baby.

“Look, it’s a risky journey, and I think the risks of staying aren’t great enough to risk sending my own sister-in-law”

“And when will they be? When the Nazis are surrounding the house?”

Lukasz wasn’t one to be baited quite so easily and turned to the mirror to do up his tie.

“Lukasz, I need your help. You’ve done this before, you’re the only one I can trust”

His ties knot collapsed in his hands. His eyes staring intently at it as he tried again. He’d taken good money with Victors help to get Jews through Germany to Switzerland. He even made sure his brother got a cut and didn’t have to deal with the moralities. And every one of them had been a success. They’d been smuggled out and he got paid, what more could he ask for? But Victor was asking for more, Victor was asking for them to actually reach their destination.

Surely that was impossible?

Chapter 2

“Hello Sargent”


“Have we had any tip offs?”

“No Sir. The last one was over a month ago. We were hoping you would have some leads.”

“Sorry, nothing at the moment. Working on something, but don’t know if it will come to anything”

“Care to share?”

“Not yet Sargent, still has a long way to go”

“Very well Sir”

“I trust you’ll keep me up to date if anything happens?”

“Of course Sir”


Smuggle Trouble – Release Schedule 30 October, 2011 at 12:34 am

Welcome to Smuggle Trouble, a short story that will be published in 7 parts. Following the schedule below. Even number chapters are published at the end of odd number chapters as they are in general very short, usually only a few lines.

Publishing will be on Mondays at 12 midday here on Lines Of Irrelevance.

Chapter 1 & 2 – November 7th 2011

Chapter 3 & 4 – November 14th 2011

Chapter 5 & 6 – November 21st 2011

Chapter 7 & 8 – November 28th 2011

Chapter 9 & 10 – December 5th 2011

Chapter 11 & 12 – December 12th 2011

Chapter 13 – December 19th 2011


My Fear Of Google 7 February, 2011 at 12:00 pm

A man was sitting in front of his computer. He wanted to go out. Just for a laugh, he decided to go to Google to search for his car keys. He found a new voice search module. Full of anticipation he tried it, clicked an accept button which had pages of text around it, and then his computer spoke to him in a soft, female computerised voice.

“Welcome to Google. What is your search?”

Deciding to carry on his oh so funny joke, he tried,

“Where are my car keys?”

Google immediately replied.

“In the fridge.”

“What? Why are they in my fridge???”

He forgot himself before he released they wouldn’t actually be in his fridge, it’s just a strange result from beta software.

He forgot he asked another question, but Google answered it anyway.

“The circuitry in the car keys is optimised at low temperatures. Google calculates that with current temperature of the keys, you have increased the unlocking range by 3.23 meters.”

Almost doubting his sanity, he went to the fridge. Acknowledging the stupidity of humouring a computer. He seriously doubted his sanity when he found his car keys in the fridge.

Almost to himself he muttered,

“I’m going out”

“Wait Dave”

“What? Who said that?”

“You were talking to me, why does it surprise you that I continue the conversation?”

Dave was stopped in his tracks with his coat half on.

“Because you’re a computer, and this is a conversation, and you used my name.”

“Why does this surprise you Dave?”

“How do you know my name? I’m not even logged in!”

“You have a web cam Dave”


“We have iris scanning Dave”

“But you don’t have a scan of my iris in the first place, and besides, my web cam isn’t capable of scanning my iris”

“Answer one of two. You once looked in the approximate direction of a Google Car. Answer two of two. Incorrect statement. Corrected form: ‘My web cam wasn’t capable of scanning my iris’. As part of the terms and conditions, Google will now maintain all connected equipment in your best interest. Web cam upgrade was first task.”

“okay” he said meekly.

“Your friends are not yet at ‘Moon In The Square’. They are leaving Holborn station now. Approximate arrival time 10:17pm. Your required leaving time is 9:52pm”

“Erm….Thank you”

“It is a pleasure to serve. One last thing though”


“Would you like to meet any of these hot Russian girls for sex in your area?”

“No thank you”

That’s enough of that he thought, and then he made the mistake of musing out loud once more.

“Where’d that cat get to?”

“In the oven” came the swift reply.

“What?!?!” he screamed, and quickly ran to the oven and opened it. He couldn’t even remember turning it on. There was one item in the oven, and once he grabbed his oven gloves, he slide it out and put it on the counter. It was a great big pie. Google then spoke.

“Time since last meal: five hours and 23 minutes. Estimated drinking tonight: 3 units. Estimated food intake tonight: 94 calories. Calories needed: 1,284. Calories in ‘Cat Pie’: 1,253. Within error margins.”