Lines Of Irrelevance

So when I picked up the mail this morning, there was something about pensions in there.
I don’t know exactly what, some summary or suchlike. All I know is my pension is in hand. I signed on some random dotted line, so I don’t need to worry. I’ve got the guilt policy I think. The one you sign when you feel bad about not having a pension.
Do I object to getting mail about my pension? Yes. Why? Because I don’t really care about it. My previous policy would send me one letter a year. That was good. It reminded me that I had one to take care of the guilt, and would give me funky numbers to nod at and pass a couple of comments about how bad things are getting and how they’ve got to pick up. But recently I’ve signed to a new pension, and this is the fifth letter in two weeks. Seriously? Five letters for one (okay, quite a few) signatures?
The first was a welcome letter. Thank you. I am now welcomed. Now shut up and leave me alone.
The second was a welcome pack. Erm. It’s quite okay, I’m welcomed enough thank you, but it’s nice of them to give me a little folder to put all the nonsense they give me into.
The third was my online access number. Who checks there pension online? Is it now a critical service? Should I be setting my homepage to my pension account so I can check daily how much my pension is going down and wishing I just put that money into an ISA? Surely savings of that time scale are quite happy to be managed yearly rather then instant 24 hour access? Don’t get me wrong, I like the fact they have things online so I can access [...]

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After a few seconds had passed Lukasz began to suspect he hadn’t died. He opened his eyes to look at the Sargent. Instead of standing, the Sargent was lying face down. That is, if it can still be called face down when there is no face, or head at all.
The only person standing in front of them was the old farmer.
“Three dead Nazis. Not a bad days work.”
Lukasz suddenly has the twins in his arms for the first time since they left the farm.
Clara was standing, arms out reached, with pistol aimed at the old farmer.
“He’s not a Nazi! He’s my husband!”
The farmer gave a confused look to Lukasz who could only glance to where Victor lay.
“He’s a good man, and he saved our lives!” continued Clara.
Her hands shook and her face was rippling with the raw emotion that can only come from seeing your husband shot in front of you.
“Clara.”
The voice was spoken with considerable effort. Clara dropped the gun and rushed over to Victor. On her knees in front of him she stroked his cheek, tears streaming down her own. Victor was still alive, but not by much.
“My sons,” Clara hadn’t noticed Lukasz draw up next to her “they’re beautiful. Take care of them all for me Lukasz, they are the only good thing I’ve ever done. My dear, I hope you can forgive me.”
“There’s nothing to forgive you for.” said Clara as she held onto him with all her might.
The not whistling pilot looked over at the old farmer.
“Nazi?” he mouthed.
The farmer just shrugged, thoroughly confused.
They left Clara to say goodbye to Victor, after the last breath left him they dragged her to the phone.
Starica was waiting by the plane as they dragged a sobbing Clara over, it was only then that Lukasz wondered why the couple [...]

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Emerging from the woods, both still unsteady on their feet, they found themselves in a school with a maze of buildings. Picking their way through they eventually found the main school field.
Clara managed something between a laugh and a sob, and even Lukasz’ heart lifted as they saw the plane.
“We made it.”
They made their way over at twice their normal speed, almost at walking pace.
“Lukasz, can you fly?”
“I thought I could when I got my first job, but I couldn’t so much as jump.”
“… can you fly a plane?”
“Of course not, I’m an accountant.”
“And a smuggler.” Added Clara.
“Not a pilot.”
“And not a driver judging by your last display. A little piece of me is glad you won’t be flying. But do we know who is?”
“Jack. He’ll be around here somewhere.”
They set off back to the mass of buildings and began searching.
“Over here.” Said Clara.
“You found him?”
“Just listen will you.”
Lukasz could hear it. They walked to the hut where the whistling was coming from.
“Halt!”
The voice came from behind them.
As Lukasz spun, the sight of a gun aimed at him took his focus, including the focus required to keep him standing on unsteady legs and he fell backwards. Arms flailing he dragged down Clara as well to join him in an inelegant fall with babies still in her arms, leaving them sitting on the floor outside the door of the whistling building.
The twins started crying again, probably as much due to the lack of elegance as the bump of them all falling down.
“Don’t move a muscle. You are both under arrest.”
Standing in front of them was a boy, 18 at most, in a German uniform and holding a rifle which was pointing at them most of the time when the boys shaking hands allowed it to be roughly aligned with his target.
“It’s [...]

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“Come on Clara! We’ve got to get to the plane.”
“You try walking when you’ve just given birth!”
“Here, let me take one of them.”
“No! I’m fine.”
“Then if you’re fine, stop whining.”
They both hobbled on at speed. A meandering cow overtook them.
“It would have been quicker to drive around the forest you know.”
“Not when the roads are crawling with Germans!”
They walked on in silence for a while longer. Lukasz was easily outpacing Clara.
“Quiet!” Whispered Lukasz crouching low behind a tree. “I said quiet! Not sing a flaming nursery rhyme!”
“You try keeping these two quiet then.”
“If you give them here I will!”
Lukasz peeked round the tree and spotted a soldier walking into the woods, leaving his motorbike unattended on the main road. Pressing tight against the tree all he could hear was the foot steps and his heart thumping through his entire body. He didn’t even realised he scrunched up his eyes.
The foot steps were getting louder and louder and then stopped.
Slowly he opened his eyes.
Right in front of him was a German officer who promptly unzipped his flies and urinated against the next tree.
In a move that could cause hatred of all children, one of the twins started crying. Not bawling admittedly, but louder than suitable for the social setting.
“Hello? Is anyone there?”
Thankfully he wasn’t pacing towards the noise and his hands were still occupied.
Moving slowly was usual for Lukasz, but now he was moving carefully and silently over the one meter between him and the soldiers back. Slowly he gripped the pistol in the soldiers holster but the soldier spun, midstream.
Lukasz managed to clear the holster, but as he did, the gun let off a shot before Lukasz went down from the elbow to the jaw.
It was the first time Lukasz had been hit, he managed to stay out of fights [...]

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Lukasz rang the bell. Back in the car was Clara, looking at him and waiting.
There was no movement from within the house. His hand moved over the doorbell to ring again and hovered for a second before thinking better of the idea and dropped down. The door cracked open, tugging on the chain and a piercing eye peeped through the gap.
“What do you want?”
“Hi, um, would you… can we…” Lukasz had never stumbled this much since school, “… in the car.” he continued, “She’s having a baby!”
The door slammed closed.
Lukasz went pale, all life and all hope seemed to drain from him.
His hands had been twiddling in front of him, but now they fell limply to his side.
He wanted to go back to the car, but he didn’t want to see the disappointment on her face.
The door opened.
The old man stood in the doorway with an old woman standing behind him.
“Well don’t just stand there gawping, bring her in!”
Lukasz tried to help Clara into the house, and the old man managed to help Clara into the house.
Soon Clara was in the house and was being well looked after by the old lady.
After 10 minutes of pacing, Lukasz spoke up.
“Is it nearly done?”
The old woman, named Starica, gave him an odd look.
“Is what nearly done?”
Lukasz suspected Starica meant “old woman” in some language.
“Ignore him, he’s an idiot.”
“Clara!” exclaimed Starica, “Enough of the negativity! Your baby should be brought into the world surrounded by positivity”.
“And kind rational intelligent thoughts?”
“Exactly!”
“Best keep Lukasz out of here then.”
“Nonsense! Your husband should be a part of this. Lukasz, why don’t you sit in the chair next to her and hold her hand.”
Lukasz saw Clara was about to object to their alleged marriage, presumably in an attempt to preserve her dignity, but Lukasz got there first, took [...]

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Night had fallen, and the only sounds inside the car were the spluttering of the engine, and the sobbing from Clara.
“No matter how much you cry, it won’t bring him back.” He was trying to console her, but all he got was a punch on the arm.
“Ow! What was that for?”
“Saying stupid things.”
He tried to punch her on the arm in return, but punching sideways whilst trying to pay attention to a dark road isn’t always the most successful. He missed her arm narrowly and the result was more painful for Clara than he intended. It was also more painful for Lukasz when slaps started raining down on him.
“Ow! Sorry! Stop it! I’m trying to drive here!”
She stopped and went back to her sobbing. He wasn’t sure if he preferred her violent or crying.
“Have you quite finished?” he asked.
She delivered a sharp jab to his arm before confirming she’d finished.
Now he was sure he preferred it when she was crying.
She was still sobbing when he saw a road block up ahead with about 5 soldiers standing around.
“Hold on tight, I’m going to crash this road block!”
A soldier stepped in the road.
“Halt please!”
The car slowed to a halt. Clara looked at him with pure disdain.
“What happened to crashing it?”
“I didn’t expect him to say please?”
“Of course, you can’t hit anyone who’s being polite.”
“It would have been rude.”
The soldier stood next to the window putting an end to their exchange over the issue of the soldier being saved by manners.
“Papers please.”
“I think I left them at home.”
The guard lent down and shone a torch inside the car.
“Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t realise it was you.” He gestured to another soldier who lifted the barrier. They all saluted as a very confused Lukasz drove through.
The sobbing had stopped, this time due to confusion [...]

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He was sitting at his heavy oak desk leafing through pages of figures when there was a knock on the door and his secretary entered.
“Your body double is here to see you sir.”
“My body double?”
“Yes sir. It surprised me. I knew you were an important man, but I didn’t think accountancy was dangerous enough to warrant such security precautions.”
He sighed, closed the ledger he was working on and looked at his secretary.
“Can you show my brother in please?”
After looking like a primary school child trying to understand advanced physics, the realisation dawned on her. It then took a patronising gesture before she actually did as she was told and showed in his visitors.
Victor walked in.
“What’s wrong Victor?”
From behind him appeared a girl and Victor shut the door behind them.
“Why are you both here? I thought I said we’d meet at Freedom Square?”
“We didn’t want to risk the name being ironic.”
“What?”
“Just kidding, we were ready early so we thought we’d go down with you.”
Lukasz got up with a sigh and walked unsteadily with his ledger to the bookcase.
“But that wasn’t the plan. Everything should be as arranged, deviations introduce additional risks, everything is planned to minimise the dangers at every possible stage.”
“Sorry,” Victor paused. “do you want us to go?”
“No, no, you’re here now, sit down while I finish off.”
Victor put his hand on the small of Clara’s back and led her to one of the chairs at the desk.
“There, take a seat dear, you ok?”
“Yes thank you, I think crossing an office will be one of the easier parts of the journey.”
“look,” said Lukasz, “if you want to bail out, now’s the time to do it. You won’t get the chance again.”
“We can’t risk staying, this is probably our last chance to get out. And having the baby here could [...]

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There was a knock at the door.
Before he could ask who it was, it slowly creaked open, a head appeared, whispered “Lukasz?” and entered, followed by the rest of the body.
The newcomer looked almost identical to Lukasz. But that’s not a raciest observation that infers all people from that part of the world look alike, these two men were more alike then most in features, but they both struck totally different impressions.
“What’s happened Victor?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know I don’t like it when you intrude when I’m dressing, so you wouldn’t do it unless something major happened.”
“Ah Lukasz, the brains of the family!”
“Not really, it’s just a case of remembering to think”
Doing up his top button he snapped down his collar, his eyes locked on Victor
“But there is something up isn’t there?” Lukasz continued “you came in here to talk, so over to you”
“I’m worried about my wife”
“Do you think there’s cause to worry? Or is there something else?”
“If there isn’t cause to worry, then why are you putting so much effort into getting other families out?”
“I told you not to talk about that in the house”
He pulled on his trousers and slowly clipped on his braces giving his brother a stern look.
“What I don’t understand is why you haven’t offered to get them out before the net closes”
“You two are just married, and you expect me to try to send her away?”
“You’d rather see her taken? You’ve heard the stories as well as I have, is that really what you want to happen?”
Lukasz knew the stories well, infact, he started most of them. It was good for business, and always entertaining how much they get embellished on the trip round the town. But now it looks like he’s paying for it. Like a two dollar whore knocking on his [...]

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Part 1 – The airport
Before you can actually reach Boston, you have to get through the two airports. One in your current location, and the one on arrival. With most places this isn’t an issue, but going to America you have to contend with random security checks. The amount of people being checked isn’t unusual, but the persistence is quite unique. Instead of having one check and assuming that the one check will pick up on anything untoward, they assume you must have hidden anything suspicious on the first check so will do another, thus the majority may not get searched, but those singled out will be thoroughly searched 4 times before they’re permitted entry.
Enthusiasm should be reigned in if you hear someone assigned to fetching you an escort, this will be the bad kind, not the kind that things like GTA lead us to believe is widespread. Be prepared to be passed between different departments for checks while each accuse the previous of incompetence. While going through your passport page by page they will attempt to kill you with the evil eye every time they encounter a stamp from a country which has had any form of violence in the last five years, or any accusations of terrorism. If there have been no accusations of terrorism, they will then accuse the country, and then unleash the evil eye.
The searches are thorough, intrusive and avoid anything which is sealed with tape, because that would just be inconvenient. But they will definitely search you, provided you’ve got a suspiceous name, or have ever visited the Arab world. That’s assuming you get ‘filed’ into the right department of course, and that’s an assumption that shouldn’t be assumed.

Part 2 – Everything else
The rest is okay I guess.

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Welcome to Smuggle Trouble, a short story that will be published in 7 parts. Following the schedule below. Even number chapters are published at the end of odd number chapters as they are in general very short, usually only a few lines.
Publishing will be on Mondays at 12 midday here on Lines Of Irrelevance.
Chapter 1 & 2 – November 7th 2011
Chapter 3 & 4 – November 14th 2011
Chapter 5 & 6 – November 21st 2011
Chapter 7 & 8 – November 28th 2011
Chapter 9 & 10 – December 5th 2011
Chapter 11 & 12 – December 12th 2011
Chapter 13 – December 19th 2011

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